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In a world, where far too many action movies exist... Two friends get fast, furious, to the bottom of things, while dissecting action movies... that they've never seen before! Every week Joe and Jeff enter a new action-packed world to bring you their thoughts and reactions. We watch action movies, so you don't have to.
Episodes
Monday Aug 03, 2020
Monday Aug 03, 2020
The boys take a trip back in time to Ancient Sparta, a society which sucked a lot and had odd definitions for what constituted being beastly and deformed as they talk about Zack Snyder & Frank Miller's 300, starring Gerard Butler, Lena Headley, Rodrigo Santoro, and McNutty, from The Wire. They do battle against 9 foot tall Jeff Goldblum and his hordes of Frankensteins and easily spooked elephants en route to... well, dying. They all die. That's the point. I mean, I guess. They constantly have to ask themselves who the good guys are, what are the logistics of corpse trees, and do all ancient armies have slo mo strolls to rock guitar riffs and/or double flutes.
Next week's movie is Guns Akimbo (2019), a movie where Harry Potter gets guns bolted to his hands. Enjoy!
Friday Jul 31, 2020
Friday Jul 31, 2020
Joe and Jeff do penance for the godawful The Assignment movie last week by dipping their toe into hypermasculinity with Frank Miller & Zack Snyder's love letter to abdominal muscles, deformities, and most of all: historical accuracy. 300 stars Gerard Butler and Lena Headey, as well as McNutty from The Wire. The guys recount when they saw the movie on opening day with kneejerk reactions to the film and stories of getting lost in the movie because they saw it from a different point of view. Also, Jeff gives you a little bit of a history lesson while simultaneously telling you he isn't just giving you a history lesson.
300 is not streaming for free anywhere, but probably exists somewhere in your memory banks.
Monday Jul 27, 2020
Monday Jul 27, 2020
Joe and Jeff break down (and have a breakdown about) the Michelle Rodriguez/Sigourney Weaver/Tony Shalhoub superflick The Assignment. In this film, Sigourney Weaver kidnaps and forcibly transitions Michelle Rodriguez (contract killer Frank Kitchen) from a man to a woman. The assignment is the assignment surgery but also the assignment that Frank got that led Kitchens to Sigourney Weaver. Get it? It's a double entendre. This movie is terrible, and no amount of comic book transitions, faux-wokeness, or Poe and Shakespeare quotes from the woman who experimented on homeless people will save this film. This movie was so bad we decided to have standards for these movies from here on out. Enjoy, or don't. We didn't.
The Assignment (2016) is on Netflix. Episode 14 will be Frank Miller and Zack Snyder's Greek opus and love letter to historical inaccuracy, 300.
Friday Jul 24, 2020
Friday Jul 24, 2020
The boys take a look at the trailer for The Assignment (2016) starring Michelle Rodriguez, Sigourney Weaver, and Tony Shalhoub. The description for The Assignment is as follows: "After waking up and discovering that he has undergone gender reassignment surgery, an assassin seeks to find the doctor responsible." They talk about much better films along the way, and eventually rip off the bandaid of describing what they think happens in the movie from the trailer.
We are sure this movie is handled with all the tact and solemnity it deserves and isn't completely off the rails from the jump.
Monday Jul 20, 2020
Monday Jul 20, 2020
John Travis is back! Everyone's favorite last cop on earth (except for all the other ones) to stop a whole new gang of rapists and slavers! But, this time he brings in parts from numerous other movies in a loving homage/complete ripoff of much better films. We figure out which movies Marchini ripped off and determine the reason why there is a much better film slammed into the middle of this one. Fire up one of the three teleporter pads in Stockton, CA and enjoy the sequel to everyone's favorite OMEGA COP in 1991's Karate Cop, the last entrance into the Marchini Cinematic Universe until... MARCH(INI) MADNESS in 2021!
Karate Cop is just hanging out on YouTube, like Omega Cop. It looks and sounds like garbage... enjoy?
Friday Jul 17, 2020
Friday Jul 17, 2020
We take our third dive into the Marcini Cinematic Universe with the direct sequel to Omega Cop, KARATE COP! Everyone's favorite last cop on Earth, John Travis, is back for another adventure! Don't worry, this one also steals from much more successful franchises. See the parts you love from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Mad Max, and Star Trek franchises! John Travis saves the future of the human race, with help from an old friend, and another named actor who would do an afternoon of work for a few grand.
Trailer 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQpfyYSGvkc
Trailer 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLpRGEsQycM
Monday Jul 13, 2020
Monday Jul 13, 2020
The Marchini Cinematic Universe (MCU) marches on with OMEGA COP. The year is 1999, nine years in the distant future. A future so distant that nobody remembers 9 years in the past or swimming pools. Baseball is a long-distant memory, but the fields remain immaculately manicured. There is no water, little food, but an ample supply of cancelable offenses and wardrobe changes. Draw the curtains so you don't get solar madness. You'll love this movie... or one just like it.
OMEGA COP is on YouTube. It's just sitting there. For free. Watch it; it's very silly. We will be back on Friday with the Preaction for KARATE COP, the sequel to OMEGA COP, which has an old friend coming along for the ride...
Friday Jul 10, 2020
Friday Jul 10, 2020
The boys dip their toes back into the Marchini Cinematic Universe with the trailer for 1990’s OMEGA COP. Omega Cop is apparently in a near future where humanity is devastated by solar flares. It’s up to one cop (Ron Marchini) to stop the slavers from running things. He’s joined by Batman (Adam West), and Chuck Katzakian returns to acting to play Wraith, who wants to drink Travis’s blood. Travis’s blood! TRAVIS’S BLOOD!
Monday Jul 06, 2020
Monday Jul 06, 2020
We take our first peek into the original MCU (Marchini Cinematic Universe) with DEATH MACHINES! In the near past where murder is definitely still a crime and bikers can go on extended monologues consisting of three phrases on repeat... A team of culturally insensitive stereotypes, aided by more culturally insensitive stereotypes is the crack assassin squad in charge of keeping law and order in the only ways they can. That's right, Buddha bombs, crashing cars and shooting off bazookas. If you don't like that, then wait about an hour and there's a different movie for about 20 minutes. If you don't like that movie, well... we can't help you! And neither can... THE DEATH MACHINES!
We will be back next week with more from the Marchini Cinematic Universe with 1990's Omega Cop. Much like Death Machines, this, too, is just sitting on YouTube for anyone to watch, for free.
Sunday Jul 05, 2020
Sunday Jul 05, 2020
A motion picture odyssey into a terrifying world. Writers without minds. Scenes without reason. Get your anti-cancellation shields ready because this 1976 film features, according to the official credits: White Death Machine, Black Death Machine, and Asian Death Machine. These killers of the future, ar ready now. Recruited by an evil Oriental Dragon Lady (THEIR WORDS!), these killers turn into zombies to take out Senators and guys with fancy sleeves. It's just like Charlie's Angels, except stupider, and with guys.
Tomorrow is here, and the killers of the future are ready... Now!