The Reactionaries: An Action Movie Podcast

In a world, where far too many action movies exist… Two friends get fast, furious, to the bottom of things, while dissecting action movies… that they’ve never seen before! Every week Joe and Jeff enter a new action-packed world to bring you their thoughts and reactions. We watch action movies, so you don’t have to.

Monsters vs. May rolls on with the O.G. Godzilla vs. Kong! This 1963 flick is a re-edit of a 1962 *comedic* King Kong and Godzilla movie in Japan, that America turned into a more serious adventure. The boys discuss what exact role Eric Carter, the head of the UN news desk plays in world politics, if the Giant Octopus was a false flag,  if King Kong needs intervention, who exactly is naming these creatures, and why this movie is obsessed with a satellite. Also, Jeff lies to Joe a whole bunch!

Next week's movie is Ape vs. Monster (2021), the first of three Asylum Pictures movies for Monsters vs. May. This is definitely not a Godzilla vs. Kong rip-off! 

Both Ape vs. Monster and King Kong vs. Godzilla are on YouTube, for free.

The boys return from an impromptu week off due to seasickness (Joe was knocked out and tied to a boat headed toward Antarctica) to review Godzilla vs. Kong, a movie that literally delivered on everything it promised, straight from the beginning of the movie! So grab your showerin' bleach and get ready to see Godzilla and King Kong finally square off in a way you have never seen before (unless you have seen Neon Genesis Evangelion)!

In this episode of the podcast, the boys explore the deepest, darkest conspiracies, determine if the movie backdoored a new anti-Semitic slur, argue about if Matthew Fox and Kyle Chandler look alike (they don't), and learn some great science facts! If you know the difference between 7 and 11, then you're way ahead of Joe on this one!

May around these parts is MONSTERS VS. MAY! Godzilla vs. Kong inspired us to see other classic duos square off. In order, we will find out who wins in a rematch: King Kong vs Godzilla (1963), then Ape vs Monster (2021), then Megashark vs. Crocosaurus (2010), and finally, the mack daddy battle of them all: Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf (2015). All of these movies, like all fine flicks, are streaming on YouTube.

Godzilla vs. Kong was on HBO Max... And probably will be, again?

Son of Kong is the 1933 sequel to the 1933 hit King Kong! All your old friends are back (I think!). This is an action-adventure movie promising a little version of King Kong, which forgets all three of those components until the last ten minutes. This one was made back when they knew how to make movies: quick, incoherent, and meandering. There's a return of everyone's favorite segment... Jeff Does Math! 

Son of Kong is on HBO Max. Next week we wrap up Ape-Ril with Godzilla vs. Kong (2021), which is also on HBO Max. Our upcoming theme months include Monster May, John Woo-ne, Joystick July, Arcade August (the same thing, really), and Sequel September. That leads us either into a mental break or Brawloween 2!

The boys kick off Ape-Ril with the Paul Giamatti, Tim Roth and Helena Bonham Carter psychological thriller/slapstick comedy: Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes. In this film, Mark Wahlberg gets sent forward in time to a planet where apes and humans live side by side with unsettling allegories to the humans being both animals AND African-Americans in the United States! We explore all the questions for the movie that has no answers. How does time travel work? Was there an Ape American Civil War? Why doesn't anyone listen to Mark Wahlberg and not follow him?

But most importantly, we explore Semos' lineage, and find an unusual patriarch of the clan!

Also, the scene they absolutely 100% felt the need to add back into the movie! Hint: it's weirder than you think! Double hint: it's when Mark Wahlberg kisses Helena Bonham Carter after succumbing to New Kids on the Blockholm Syndrome.

Planet of the Apes isn't available for free anywhere, but we promise you that it is even weirder than you remember and that Paul Giamatti just plays the standard Paul Giamatti role (except he's an orangutan). 

Next week the boys return with 1933's Son of Kong! This one is mercifully only 70 minutes long, and is on HBO Max. Ape-Ril closes out the following week with the big beasts battling it out on HBO Max: Godzilla vs. Kong (2021).

We told you all we were done with Ron Marchini in March, but like Jesus, He has risen. It felt a little out of place to not finish the Ron Marchini Cinematic Universe, with 1995's Karate Commando. Or is it Karate Raider? Or is it Jungle Wolf III? This movie is impossible to find, and felt impossible to watch. The official credit in the movie is Jungle Wolf III, but he plays an entirely new character (Jake Turner). Nevertheless, let's call this movie by its Christian name: Forgotten Warrior - US Warrior IV: Jungle Wolf III: Return Fire II: Karate Raider AKA Forgotten Warrior - US Warrior IV: Jungle Wolf III: Return Fire II: Karate Commando. This bad boy is on YouTube as Jungle Wolf III: Karate Commando. 

The Marchini Primetime players are all back to send Ron Marchini off in style with one last romp through the Philippine jungle. All our friends are here! Chris Ost! Michael E. Bristow! Joe Meyer! A woman who acted in exactly one movie in her entire career! Also a former Batman star and a D-list celebrity just securing the bag!

This movie is 100% part of the Jungle Wolf canon, but somehow Ron Marchini gets away with calling himself Jake Turner and not Steve Parrish. Also, his half-Korean Aryan son is gone. This one is a strange sendoff, but better than Chuck Norris or Steven Seagal just hanging around.

Next week we will be back with 2001's Planet of the Apes, or as Joe and I call it: Marky Mark Planet of the Apes (Cinemax or VOD), to kick off Ape-ril, a month of Joe and Jeff just monkeying around. We will follow that up with 1933's Son of Kong (HBO Max) and the smash hit of the last week or so: Godzilla vs. Kong (2021) (HBO Max)! It'll be nice to be back to movies with budgets, for a change!

You can find all the previous Marchini Cinematic Universe movies here:

Death Machines (Episode 10)

Omega Cop (Episode 11)

Karate Cop (Episode 12)

Ninja Warriors (Episode 42)

The Forgotten Warrior (Episode 43)

Jungle Wolf (Episode 44)

Return Fire - Jungle Wolf II (Episode 45)

Questions about our well-being? Concerns about our well-being? Comments about our well-being? Reach out to us at reactionariespodcast@gmail.com

 

The Steve Parrish Saga comes to its inevitable conclusion with Forgotten Warrior - US Warrior III: Jungle Wolf II: Return Fire! This twee indie coming of age movie focuses on Steve Parrish’s (Ron Marchini) son, Zak. He has completely cast off his half-Vietnamese roots to fully embrace his destiny as an Aryan Prince. In this film, we explore what exactly it means to become a man, and how old is too old to have your father undress you. Also, is it creepier to sit in someone’s living room, uninvited, or to watch them dress? Adam West co-stars as a corrupt government official working with the Italian Mafiosos in Central California, hellbent on taking down Steve Parrish.

If you liked Forgotten Warrior, and Jungle Wolf, you’ll love Return Fire, a movie that is 20% Forgotten Warrior and Jungle Wolf. Not like, thematically, it’s like if a clip show was a movie.

Marchini Madness has come to an end, which means it’s time for Ape-Ril… Ape-ril FOOLS that is! We start Ape-Ril in two weeks, but next week we bring you… another Ron Marchini flick. This time, it’s 1995’s Karate Raider, starring Ron Marchini (of course) as well as Burt Ward, Joe Estevez… and all your favorite Ron Marchini Players. This movie was erroneously originally placed on IMDb as Jungle Wolf 3, which means we have to cover it. And of course, call it by its Christian Name... Forgotten Warrior - US Warrior IV: Jungle Wolf III: Return Fire II: Karate Raider.

Both Return Fire and Karate Raider are on YouTube, but for some reason Karate Raider is listed as "Jungle Wolf 3 Karate Commando" for reasons I'm sure we will explore, especially considering its full title is: Forgotten Warrior - US Warrior IV: Jungle Wolf III: Return Fire II: Karate Commando

Ron Marchini returns for the second part of the Steve Parrish Cinematic Universe. It has everything you love from The Forgotten Warrior, including about 10 minutes of The Forgotten Warrior! We reckon with the problem that Ron Marchini has now made back-to-back Communist propaganda movies in this trilogy. In Jungle Wolf, Ron Marchini must leave his blond-haired, blue-eyed half-Vietnamese son… Zak, and travel to San Sebastian (literally El Salvador). Isn’t it wild how Vietnam and “San Sebastian” both look just like The Philippines! And how every Vietnamese person and San Sebastian citizen look Filipino! Strange! Probably nothing. And of course, you know there has to be a completely original composition for this film that just explains the events of The Forgotten Warrior.

The Forgotten Warrior – US Warrior II: Jungle Wolf is available on YouTube, for free, with Dutch subtitles!

We will return next week with the third movie in this saga: The Forgotten Warrior – US Warrior III: Jungle Wolf II: Return Fire.

Joe and Jeff take on the most boring movie they've done yet, to predictably short podcast results. This film feels like a low-grade fever when you're done with it. Confusing, a little disorienting, and tiring. Ron Marchini defects from the capitalist pig-dogs to live life with the Viet Cong. That is, until, in a (quite unrealistic) turn of events, a US Militaryman comes by and starts doing war crimes on the Vietnamese countryside... a year after the Vietnam War ended. This is either in pursuit of documents or Ron Marchini, the movie isn't quite clear. 

A quick reminder that the good guys are literally the Viet Cong and the bad guys are Americans. Ron Marchini returns in Jungle Wolf, a direct sequel to this, where he serves with the American military.

The Forgotten Warrior is on YouTube, as is Jungle Wolf

Marchini Madness kicks off with 1985's Ninja Warriors! Do you know literally anything about ninjas? Because if so, you could be an expert to this team of dumb dumbs. Ken Watanabe (no not the Ken Watanabe) stars with Ron Marchini and a cast of people who begged imdb to not have their names associated with this flick. 

In Ninja Warriors, Ron Marchini is doomed to relive his last day on earth until he gets everything right, and he is freed from his hellish torment. That, and he has some internalized racism and sexual identity frustrations to sort out.

Ninja Warriors is available on YouTube for free, as is next week's movie in Marchini Madness... Forgotten Warrior (1986)

Do you like vague anger at liberals? Do you like snarky asides about trigger warnings and hand sanitizer? Do you love a good guy with a gun? Well, do we have the movie for you!

Run Hide Fight (2021) is Ben Shapiro's The Daily Wire's first foray into filmmaking and they really work some stuff out in this one. Weirdly and incorrectly described as "gender-swapped Die Hard in a high school" this movie sucks out loud.

Please watch this movie to figure out if Zoey and Christopher are hearing the same voices if Zoey's mom is trying to herald the apocalypse, and if Zoey is is bad, or even worse, than the shooters (except she doesn't have a weird and/or small penis).

 

Run Hide Fight is available through The Daily Wire's subscription service or, if you're a big boy or big girl, you can figure out where to get it.

Next week we start MARCHINI MADNESS!!! The theme month idea that started this whole mess of theme months.
We will be watching the Steve Parrish Saga: Ninja Warriors (1985), Forgotten Warrior (1986), Jungle Wolf (1986), and Return Fire: Jungle Wolf 2 (1986).

All of these movies, like all great movies, are sitting on YouTube, for free.

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