The Reactionaries: An Action Movie Podcast

In a world, where far too many action movies exist… Two friends get fast, furious, to the bottom of things, while dissecting action movies… that they’ve never seen before! Every week Joe and Jeff enter a new action-packed world to bring you their thoughts and reactions. We watch action movies, so you don’t have to.

The Boys are back after one of us tried to become a spooky scary ghost and get sick. So, no Slender Man this month, only Thir-thirteen-en Ghosts! This is a "remake" of a movie from 1960, but all they took were the ghosts and the glasses. Everything else is basically just a bunch of people wandering around a glasshouse filled with spooky scaries.

Thirteen Ghosts stars Tony Shalhoub, Shannon Elizabeth, F. Murray Abraham, and the incomparable Matthew Lillard as a lunatic psychic exploring a house slash devil machine. The boys answer questions like "was the little boy's murder a cover up?", "did Bobby kill his mother?", "why does Satan need a failsafe?" and of course, the question that plagues us all: "why is there a squish room?" and the question we ask most frequently: "WHO IS F. MURRAY ABRAHAM'S RUSE FOR?!"

Thirteen Ghosts is on HBO Max.

The rest of the year will be spent on video game movies! In Nintendovember and Nintendecember, will explore Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997, HBO Max), BloodRayne (2005, YouTube), Double Dragon (1994, YouTube), and Street Fighter (1994, 123Movies)!

Joe and Jeff take a reprieve from blockbusters by getting into the podcast's bread and butter: low-budget schlock that snookered big-name actors into a paycheck. L.A.P.D.: To Protect and to Serve never lives up to its first five minutes, and tells the story of a group of crooked cops, who just want to steal boomboxes and have some parties in peace. Instead, there's a ding-dong and his father mucking everything up. This "stars" Dennis Hopper, who never leaves the police station, and Michael Madsen, who selectively removes his sunglasses. 

L.A.P.D.: To Protect and to Serve is based on a true story and was mercifully scrubbed from the internet in most places. But, you can still find it on 123movies.com. 

Next episode's movie is Slender Man (2018) as the boys do a Brawloween two-step with that then Thir Thirteen En Ghosts (2001), which is on HBO Max this month.

Do you like the hit 1996 blockbuster Independence Day? Well, go watch that one, instead! Independence Day: Resurgence is too long, with too many characters (including a barely-there cameo from the first movie), with too many things ripped off from the first flick, and with people not caring enough. It's like Ready Player One if the moviemakers had only seen Independence Day.

Find out what the "Wilhelm Scream of Boats" is, how many things they lifted straight from the original ID4, including one horrific caricature they lifted straight from a prior era/Nazi propaganda, and who got a "Wendy from Wendy's" done to them. 

Independence Day: Resurgence is 2 hours of our lives we will never get back, but we recommend you watch it because so much of this movie ended up memory hold and it came out only FIVE YEARS AGO!

Plus there's a little treat in the outro that gives you the same disconcerting feeling as watching the movie.

Next week we get back to our low-budget schlock roots with LAPD: To Protect and to Serve starring Dennis Hopper and Michael Madsen. Then, it's BRAWLOWEEN 2.0 with Slender Man and 13 Ghosts! LAPD: To Protect and to Serve is only on illicit streaming sites so count to three... movies, and you can find it. 

This week's movie is Jaws 3-D (1983)! Per IMDb: "A giant thirty-five-foot shark becomes trapped in a SeaWorld theme park and it's up to the sons of police chief Brody to rescue everyone." This flick stars an incredibly coked up Dennis Quaid, Bess Armstrong, Lou Gossett Jr, Lea Thompson, and some dolphins!

The guys watch one of the more boring movies they've watched for this little misadventure. They do manage to ask if you can bully a shark, get a sponsor (?), engage in casual shark misogyny and play America's Favorite Game Show: Legislative Branch Fish! They also explore if Jurassic Park just ripped off Jaws 3-D and wonder why exactly the head of the facility talks like he's in a banned Disney movie.

 

Jaws 3-D is on Amazon Prime this month. Next episode's movie... Independence Day: Resurgence... is behind paywalls. And may God have mercy on you if you peek behind one of those paywalls to watch it.

The guys are back watching some of the worst blockbusters ever created! This time they watch Speed 2: Cruise Control, a movie that nobody wanted to make, especially Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. In this one they explore alternative medicine treatments, just how small Jason Patric's penis is, can children self-arrange marriages, and just how far LAPD jurisdiction extends.

 

Speed 2: Cruise Control is on HBO Max. So is next episode's movie... Jaws 3!

The boys take a quick detour from The Summer of Blockbusters to talk about an old friend... Ron Marchini is back! This time, he has the Eric Bana Hulk to the Ed Norton Hulk. We disavow all connections from Murder in the Orient to the Ron Marchini Cinematic Universe. 

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to use two swords instead of a piece of paper to form a map? Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have $10 million somewhere... out there? And have you ever had your plans to get two swords (to make one map) unravel because you're just unbearably horny? Really riled up? Cranked up to 11? Then, you have something in common with the folks in Murder in the Orient!

This flick follows the trials and tribulations of INTERPOL's top agents: a random woman's brother, and some guy she met once. They battle it out with the Golden Cobra clan, whose dastardly schemes are constantly derailed by someone giving out knives to the chronically frothing among the crew.

This movie is impossible to find. Google tries to save us from ourselves by constantly suggesting, instead, Murder on the Orient Express. We should have gone with their suggestions. 

Unfortunately, this will likely be the last Ron Marchini movie covered on this podcast, because it's impossible to find "Dragon's Quest" without two swords. And we only have one sword, so we only have half the map. 

Next week's movie has a *slightly* bigger budget... it's Speed 2: Cruise Control! Speed 2 is on HBO Max and has all of your old friends from the first one! Well, except Keanu Reeves, and Dennis Hopper, and Jeff Daniels, and... well, the bus! Instead, it's Sandra Bullock, Jason Patric, Willem Dafoe, Temuera Morrison, and a bunch of leeches. Jeff's wife unironically likes this movie. Enjoy!

The Boys return with another late-90s summer blockbuster... Con Air! This movie stars Nicolas Cage, John Malkovich, Colm Meaney, Ving Rhames, Steve Buscemi, and also, John Cusack is there, I guess? The guys discuss if it's actually possible to be too cool at fighting that it's illegal, the American penal system, a space weirdo, whether or not themed casinos have gone too far, and if it's possible to just tell guards about an undercover agent in their midst.

...And what exactly happened with Steve Buscemi to get the gimp mask put on him?

 

Next week's movie is a true summer blockbuster... Murder in the Orient (1974)! This is Ron Marchini's first film and is almost impossible to find. I am just going to link off to the Daily Motion of it so you don't have to wade through a million "Did you mean 'Murder on the Orient Express'?" Google search results.

The boys continue the Summer of Blockbusters with the only movie filled entirely with the stupidest people on earth... Broken Arrow! Broken Arrow is a coming-of-age dramedy that involves two old friends passing the same $20 back and forth, while wacky hijinx ensue. Surprisingly, this movie is kind of boring, despite a $2 billion jet exploding.

Broken Arrow stars John Travolta and Christian Slater, and involves John Travolta ripping off Christian Slater lines. Unfortunately, this movie is mostly just professionals going about their jobs behind the scenes, and also Howie Long was there?

BUT FIRST!!! We saw F9, and we have some thoughts. Hint: the movie is good, and maybe bad? 

Next episode's movie is Con Air, starring Nic Cage and John Malkovich. It's absolutely wild, so we know that next episode will have a lot more to discuss.

Joe and Jeff return with this week’s absolutely amazing flick: Face/Off! In this movie, they take Nicolas Cage’s face… off, and put it on John Travolta. Then they face off, see it has layers! The boys explore 3D printing technology, one simple way to destroy the whole plot, the absolute chaos that took place behind the scenes, an unearned Jesus allegory, as well as the ultra-creepy face-touching thing, including an alternate ending!

If you want to see Face/Off in about 50 seconds, this is all you need. Also YES we forgot to mention there is a Face/Off sequel in the works! This is Jeff's fault!

If you want to watch the whole thing (which we wholeheartedly recommend), you can watch it on Hulu and Paramount+.

Face/Off and John Woo-ne kicks off The Summer of Blockbusters, where we tackle some of the biggest flops in the last 30 years. We will also, of course, watch a Ron Marchini movie. Broken Arrow is up next on the docket, followed by Con Air, Speed 2, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, Jaws: The Revenge, and one movie that Jeff promised himself that he would never watch ever again.

Broken Arrow, the next episode’s movie, is not currently free to stream but is rentable starting at $2.99.

The boys are back after some scheduling snafus, with a big announcement... We are going bi-weekly. It turns out a podcast about stupid movies is easier to do during a worldwide pandemic than outside of it! We send off our weekly episodes with another Asylum flick... Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf! In this movie, Casper Van Dien sort of drunkenly wanders onto the set of his wife's movie and the cast & crew are too kind to tell him no. Plus, Jeff lies to Joe again and they play a trivia game. Why is this 2.5 hours when the movie barely clocks in at 85 minutes? Who knows! Probably because there are two miniature episodes of Homers at the Bat squeezed inside. 

This is the third in a trilogy, and don't worry if you haven't seen the first two; you kind of already know what happened in those. In this iteration of the Sharktopus Saga, former baseball player Felix Rosa (Feliz Rosa?) gets mad he can't get RBI anymore and decides to go on a murderous rampage. 

Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf is on Amazon Prime and Tubi, both free with ad support.

We will be back in two weeks with FACE/OFF (1997), the John Woo, John Travolta, Nicolas Cage classic! If you know anything about bad action movies, you know FACE/OFF. We follow that up with BROKEN ARROW, a 1996 John Woo, John Travolta, Christian Slater flick. So, you know, completely different!

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