The Reactionaries: An Action Movie Podcast

Episode 25: Hellbound (1994) (Brawloween)

Brawloween marches on with the Chuck Norris religious action monster classic(?) Hellbound. Shot entirely in Israel (even Chicago), the movie evokes all the things you love from Star Wars (yellow text!) and basketball (the playoffs!). Chuck Norris and his partner must travel to Israel to track down the emissary of Satan... Prosatanos. That's not a real thing, by the way. They made up a minion of Satan and named him Pro Satan. Yep. After exploring Chuck Norris' motivations (mostly trying to see the inside of a skull), the figure out how many international incidents happen in this film. Finally, they determine where Shatter and Jackson fit in the ranks of the worst cops in Reactionaries Lore.

Hellbound is $1.99 on most streaming services.

Brawloween concludes next week with Jason X.

Episode 24: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986) (Brawloween)

This is the greatest and best horror movie in the world... Tribute. The guys take a look back at the not-so-classic Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, and Jeff reveals a horrible secret about the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise. The main topics of conversation in this horror-action movie are an alternative to the G.I. Bill, the logistics of owning a food truck and how exactly taxes work when you feed people humans as a source of income. That last one is literally a concern of one of the murderers, we didn't come up with it.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 is streaming on Amazon Prime. 

Next week's movie is Hellbound, wherein Chuck Norris is a detective who must travel to Israel (slightly outside his jurisdiction) to solve a Rabbi's murder. That is no longer free but is $2 to rent from the Google Play store and iTunes.

BRAZOS!

Episode 23: Against the Dark (2009) (Brawloween)

The boys kick off Brawloween (the spookiest of all action movie months) with the Steven Seagal vampire/zombie/meth-head action flick, Against the Dark. If each zombie movie trope creates a beautiful piece of the rainbow, this movie takes all those colors and swirls them all together into one hideous brown mess. The boys get really political about those clowns down in D.C. and try to figure out what, exactly, the military does in this movie. This one gets super long because the guys have to stop and ask what is happening a billion times because nothing happens in the movie, at all, and they wander up and down like three hallways repeatedly. There’s a programming announcement at the end of the podcast, as well.

Against the Dark is streaming on Amazon Prime.

Next week, the podcast will take a look at 1986’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2: Chop-Top Jones and the Temple of Doom (okay I made up that second half). This is also streaming on Amazon Prime and stars Dennis Hopper!

There will be no further preactions due to scheduling issues (outside of specific one-offs), so that we can focus our attention on the films!

Episode 23 Preaction: Against the Dark (2009) (Brawloween)

Joe and Jeff take a quick look (and we mean quick) at the trailer for Against the Dark. It's 75% shots of zombies and Steven Seagal slicing at things, so there's not much to go over here. This is the first movie of BRAWL-O-WEEN! Our love letter to terrible action-horror flicks. We have two better ideas for October, but we're already stuck with Brawl-o-ween!

Against the Dark is streaming on Amazon Prime!

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95CdQS-X4YA

Episode 22: Beyond the Law (2019) (Seagal September)

Seagal September comes to a merciful close with Beyond the Law, a movie featuring Seagal, Johnny Messner, Zack Ward, Patrick Kilpatrick and, of course, DMX! In this movie, Steven Seagal is a former/current mob boss with the world's deadliest fail son. Please note: the legal views outlined by the characters in Beyond the Law do not reflect legal advice, and are not actionable. Sit back, relax (Steven Seagal did while making this movie), and enjoy what actually might have been a good movie at one point that was thoroughly derailed by Steven Seagal. Oh, and there are 5 rap songs, with none by the actual rapper in the movie. Incredible.

Beyond the Law is on Hoopla and Showtime.

 

Seagal September is over! To celebrate taking a break from Steven Seagal, we start Brawloween with 2008's Against the Dark starring... Steven Seagal! Psych! Gotcha! There is no escaping from Seagal September. Against the Dark is streaming on Amazon Prime.

Brawloween continues after Against the Dark with Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986), Hellbound (1994), and Jason X (2001), the whole reason Joe started the podcast.

Episode 22 Preaction: Beyond the Law (2019) (Seagal September)

Seagal September comes to a close with 2019's Beyond the Law, starring DMX, Johnny Messner and, of course, Steven Seagal. In this one, the boys imagine conversations between Steven Seagal and Donald Trump (the most powerful man in the world and Donald Trump, respectively), Zapruder film a split-second of cards being played, and envision a better James Bond universe as well as a much, much better American political universe.

 

Beyond the Law is no longer available on streaming for free, so have fun renting it!

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWFVPgU23Lw

Episode 21: Flight of Fury (2007) (Seagal September)

Flight of Fury is Steven Seagal's masterpiece. That's right, he wrote it. And lemme tell ya, you can definitely tell that Steven Seagal wrote this. Constants like directions, time, speed... all a matter of debate. In this movie, action star Steven Seagal demonstrates numerous action star traits, like knowing how to hold a gun, and crouching... also reacting properly to the news that the US Military broke the laws of physics.

We theorize that this movie might have been written by the Memento guy, since no scene has any bearing on the scene that follows it. Who's ready for some chaotic action with the vivacious Jessica (who loves Steven Seagal), the ever-loyal Rojar (who is not loyal) in Banansistan (not Banansistan)? Wait until the end when we discover that the Navy is Indiana Jones, which makes Steven Seagal... the Nazis? 

Flight of Fury is on Amazon Prime.

Next week's movie is Beyond the Law, which is no longer streaming for free anywhere. Hoo boy. $3 to rent a movie where Steven Seagal plays a mob boss... actually that sounds kinda worth it.

Episode 21 Preaction: Flight of Fury (2007) (Seagal September)

There is only one trailer for this movie and a full 22% of it is the green screen that shows before the trailer and a picture of the DVD with a flag waving in the background, so enjoy the episode! We are back with the Steven Seagal-written action smash hit of 2007: Flight of Fury. We discuss Ticker some more, and wonder whether Steven Seagal actually things that stealth bombers turn invisible...?

This one is super short because we have nothing to work with, so the prediction is equally off the rails! 

Flight of Fury is on Amazon Prime.

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fsx6XdLznEI

Episode 20: Ticker (2001) (Seagal September)

Steven Seagal is back, and this time he's brought Nas, Chilli, Tom Sizemore, Jamie Pressley and Dennis Hopper! With a lineup like that, this movie can't be a bomb, right? Er, sorry... device. I'll try to be more zen. The guys break down the 2001 movie that was exactly what we wanted to see two months post-9/11: lots of explosions in civilian areas. If it seems like the thread gets lost about two-thirds of the way through the movie, it's because it descends into utter chaos. Sit back, get zen, grab a tequila and a coke, and ~reach out and touch someone~

 

Ticker is on Amazon Prime. We will be back with Seagal September's third installment: 2007's Flight of Fury

Episode 20 Preaction: Ticker (2001) (Seagal September)

Seagal September continues as the boys check out the most frenetically-edited trailer in the history of cinema. This bad boy averages 1.5 edits per second, and it feels faster than that, somehow. Steven Seagal and Tom Sizemore hunt down Dennis Hopper, who, in a new type of role, is a bomb-based terrorist. Jeff threatens to quit the podcast and accidentally time travels but IS REDEEMED because this movie came out in November 2001, upon further research. 

Ticker is on Amazon Prime, for free. YOU DA BOMB, BABY

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9AMD1WygHI