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In a world, where far too many action movies exist... Two friends get fast, furious, to the bottom of things, while dissecting action movies... that they've never seen before! Every week Joe and Jeff enter a new action-packed world to bring you their thoughts and reactions. We watch action movies, so you don't have to.
Episodes
Monday Jan 11, 2021
Monday Jan 11, 2021
When we say Fantasy Mission Force (1983) has everything, we mean everything. Indiana Jones, Planet of the Apes, Halloween 2, ghosts, mahjongg, bazookas, Nazis, Mad Max, cirque du soleil, Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Shining, James Bond, Escape from LA, Rambo, and more! The guys try to unravel this flick starring an international cast of Chinese actors that just kind of bumble around China, Canada, Luxembourg, and Japan, and South America trying to save General Abraham Lincoln, as well as the major general of the country of Africa. This thing was a mess.
Next week's movie is Heart of Dragon (1985), the second of Jackie Chanuary's Chinese movies. This one looks like it's going to be a doozy. It is in two parts on Daily Motion.
Sunday Jan 03, 2021
Sunday Jan 03, 2021
Jeff and Joe get into the last belated episode of Deathcember with 1991's Samurai Cop, starring Matthew Karedas and Robert Z'Dar. In Samurai Cop, Joe Marshall (the titular cop who is a samurai) is brought in to help take down the hated Katana gang, run by Fujiyama (he's the boss). There are lots of butts in this movie, and men's underwear that is somehow smaller than the ladies' underwear. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll marvel at how many horribly inappropriate remarks the police and doctors make in this movie. Samurai Cop is on Tubi and Hoopla.
Next week's movie kicks off Jackie Chanuary with Fantasy Mission Force (1983). This is on YouTube as well as DailyMotion, for free.
Thursday Dec 24, 2020
Thursday Dec 24, 2020
Jeff and Joe give you a bit of Christmas Eve cheer thanks to some immense screwups by FedEx! In this episode, they take a look at a truly baffling movie. Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever was, by most accounts, written by one group of people, filmed by a second group and… edited by a third? It’s a truly mindboggling example of filmmaking in which Lucy Liu kidnaps a child/bioweapon and Antonio Banderas fights against her, or with her? Or both? There’s also a thing with a rogue deep state operative? Who is raising Antonio Banderas’ kid? None of this is anything we can confirm, despite watching the movie multiple times. We can confirm, however, that the package was correct and there’s a bus that slid on its side!
We will be back next time with Joe’s gift to Jeff… 1991's SAMURAI COP. Samurai Cop is streaming on Tubi.
Tuesday Dec 15, 2020
Tuesday Dec 15, 2020
The boys get back to their roots: preening d-bags emoting improperly at each other. That's right, it's time for Ben Affleck to make his Reactionaries debut. In this episode, we join some Reindeer Games (2002). Joe insists that Ben Affleck isn't handsome, Jeff can't keep Nick and Rudy straight, and we discuss who exactly is the dumbest, worst criminal in this movie full of dumb criminals. Reindeer Games is currently streaming on Philo, FuboTV and Sundance.
Get some hot chocolate, some pecan pie, some monster-free gelatin and enjoy Reindeer Games, starring Ben Affleck, Charlize Theron, and Gary Sinise.
Jeff then bequeaths Joe with the first gift of Deathcember... Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, a movie that has a 0% Rotten Tomatoes score. This is a movie so terrible that it is not streaming anywhere, except dubbed into Hindi on YouTube. This movie features Antonio Banderas, Lucy Liu, and a bus on its side, according to the packaging.
Monday Dec 07, 2020
Monday Dec 07, 2020
The boys take a break from the high-flying world of Chuck Norris dealing with Nazis to deal with Hulk Hogan as Santa... With Muscles! Yes, it's a family movie. No, we don't care. We discuss what you do when Santamania runs wild on you, if a fart machine was a part of Operation: Paperclip, and why Blake Tolkowsky Modification is a terrible businessman. They also explore the billionaire factory in this town, if Mila Kunis has always been a 35-year-old divorcee, and what exactly a suicide by fart would look like. Santa With Muscles is free on YouTube if you look for it.
Next week's movie is Reindeer Games! It is a classic bad Christmas action movie, starring Ben Affleck, Charlize Theron, and Gary Sinese. It's on several pay subscription services but is $1.99 to rent, as well. It's only $5 to buy on Amazon. You know you want to.
Monday Nov 30, 2020
Monday Nov 30, 2020
When you think of international espionage, a high-priced ancient diamond ring, and the Third Reich, you of course think... Spokane, Washington. The boys send out Norrisvember with style, and the movie that caused Chuck Norris to retire. In this film, Chuck Norris is a private investigator who helps an aged jewel cutter. And does this movie have everything! Veiled antisemitism! Gems that look like candy! And way more Nazis than you would expect! The Cutter is on Amazon Prime.
Next week we kick off our string of holiday movies with Santa With Muscles, starring Hulk Hogan. It's a kid movie, but who cares! It's just sitting on YouTube will then watch the bad movie action holiday classic, Reindeer Games. Then, we have two mystery movies as Joe and Jeff swap "gifts" of movies to do this month!
Monday Nov 23, 2020
Monday Nov 23, 2020
The boys continue Norrisvember with Hero & The Terror, a trip to a world of intrigue and mystery. In Hero & The Terror, Chuck Norris plays a cop who is tasked with tracking down an escaped killer, who he previously caught in a right-place-right-time situation. Of course, like all Chuck Norris movies, this is just a ploy for a duchy in Burma. They focus on the important questions raised by this movie: does The Horror like blondes? Did he build the tunnels himself? Is it possible to get tricked into raising your partner’s baby, when that baby doesn’t even exist? Is it possible to be racist against the Welsh?
Oddly enough, this was not a made-for-TV movie, it was a real movie with a premiere and everything. It’s available for free on YouTube, except for the last minute. But we fill you in on that.
We finish up Norrisvember next week with The Cutter (2005). This is on Amazon Prime.
In December, we will start our holiday-themed month of movies that will probably have a worse name than Brawloween.
Apologies for the wonky schedule, the holidays are getting us all out of whack!
Friday Nov 13, 2020
Friday Nov 13, 2020
The boys take a trip to the mean streets of Santa Madre, CA, home of the worst police force in the entire universe. They laugh, they cry, they drop nuggets about Air Force One, and Jeff tells Joe His One Story! A Force of One is on Amazon Prime.
Next week's movie is Hero and the Terror (1988), which is just chilling on YouTube if you look for it, for free!
Monday Nov 09, 2020
Monday Nov 09, 2020
The boys kick off Norrisvember with a movie about family, soul-stealing, finances, and maybe marijuana? This week's movie is 1977's Breaker! Breaker! which could honestly have been in Brawloween with some different music choices. Chuck Norris investigates a small town after his brother's disappearance, and he discovers that investigating a small town after his brother's disappearance is harder than it looks. The boys show off their math skills, uncover vast conspiracies, an entire town built filled with 1850s gold rush settlers built in the 1970s. They also take on their first advertiser! Shelly's TV Dinners! If it's Shelly's... It's Good For Your Belly! This movie is fantastic and not a big pile of 10-100!
This week's second movie is 1979's A Force of One, which is available with an Amazon Prime subscription.
Apologies for being late with the one, there was a big to-do last week involving the guy from Home Alone 2!
Saturday Oct 31, 2020
Saturday Oct 31, 2020
The boys wave a fond farewell to Brawloween with a series that has seen better days... Jason X! Jason goes to space! Where all great franchises eventually end up! They discuss Jason's real voice, why a character exists at all, how Jason is less visually horrifying than a children's television show character, the logistics of Jason's aging, and space terrorism. They also make two minor tweaks to make Jason X a much better movie. They also argue about a much better movie than Jason X! Next week kicks off Norrisvember with 1977's Breaker Breaker!